A few days into Collin’s magically weird stay with us, he came home from McDonald’s one afternoon and told me he had met someone special. She was from the east coast, and was as luck would have it, “totally Irish”, just like him! We’ll call her Molly Malone. It was love at first sight! Maybe they could get a place together and she could take this homeless man off of the streets and make something out of him?! No such luck. I would soon find out she was homeless too, although not as homeless as he was. She at least had a small SUV to sleep in. Collin asked me if he could borrow a more decent shirt then he then had so he could go to Catholic mass with her that night. I rarely have much in the way of dress clothes beyond one or two changes, and none of mine would have fit him anyway. Here’s a fatally electric neon green polo shirt from Costco Collin. Knock yourself out. It was a few steps up from the stained t-shirts he had with him, and the largest top I had.
It wasn’t until the arrival of Molly that things really started getting weird. She unlike Collin, at leat seemed to have legitimate recent employment history, having worked for some health insurance company in her home state. The next morning, I had the chance to meet Molly myself, as she had slept in her car in front of my house That night. It turns out she was hiding from an abusive boyfriend who lived somewhere in the area. Collin would sit in her car with her and they would talk. Occasionally they would go for a drive to get something to eat, or get things out of her storage unit. After returning from my own errands that day, Collin asked me if she was allowed to come in our house to hang out with him. I was totally fine with it, as long as it wasn’t in the bedroom. Now I had two homeless people in my house just watching Netflix and chillin’ with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Witnessing their puppy love was an exact mirror to the most obnoxious early teen public display of affection I’ve ever seen.
That night, Molly slept out in her car again. I can only imagine what my neighbors were starting to think. At least I was on good terms with most of them. No one called the police or anything. My wife and I felt sorry for her, and told her she could sleep in a room on the furthest floor of our house from Collin’s room. It turns out she has epilepsy. I won’t make fun of epilepsy, or people who have it. It’s a legitimate, life-altering sickness that people across the globe and those who love them suffer with daily. I will however, happily verbally destroy the heck out of people who pretend they have it, as well as other serious health ailments for the purpose of getting attention. Let me take a moment here to do some of that!
I never saw Molly have a seizure, but there were a few instances when I would come into a room and Collin would be taking care of her because she supposedly had had one. Her case was at least believable. She did have prescription bottles of medication with her. She stopped taking her meds though, purportedly because they didn’t help her anymore, and she was needing to get a new prescription.
Prior to her showing up, I knew that Collin had a few health problems. But now, he had epilepsy too, as well as frequent strokes! To me it seemed from this moment on, that whenever he wasn’t getting enough attention, whether from my wife and I or Molly, he would magically have a seizure or a stroke, and he refused to go to the emergency room. Never mind the fact that he was supposedly unable to help me with packing stuff or preparing for our garage sale; I was suddenly so occupied with worrying about the strange goings on with these two, I could hardly get anything done myself. Unfortunately for Collin, I am acquainted with people who really have seizures and others who have had strokes, and know well what seizures look like both during and after. I’ve never witnessed a stroke, but I know what state people are in after, and oddly enough, it has never involved being right as rain the next day. Oh well, at least it made for some good entertainment knowing he was having to fake all of this.
One day, he “had a stroke”, but miraculously, all that was affected was his speech. He went around doing everything else as usual, but had to speak as one who was severely mentally handicapped….for less than a day. When he arose the next morning, he was 100% fine and speaking normally again. In another instance, he faked a seizure while laying on my front room couch. I was eating my lunch at the time, and I continued to eat it as he put on his show for me, his 360+ pound self neatly staying on my narrow cushioned couch as he wiggled and kept his arms nicely by his sides. This act went on for about thirty seconds. I went into the kitchen just long enough to put my plate in the sink, and when I came back Collin sits up and says to me, “Whoa did you see that? I just had a seizure!” Ask anyone close to an epileptic person if that’s how it goes down when having a seizure, and they’ll laugh you right off of your broomstick pony.
Molly had a laptop, and one day they told me that they were looking for places to live in back on the east coast, and that Collin had an uncle who was willing to put down a deposit and the first month’s rent on one of them for him so they could get married and move in together. They would both get similar jobs to what they had previously had, and they would ride off into the sunset together. They showed me a picture of a nice looking place they planned on getting. Good for them!
Another day, I came home to find Collin and Molly talking in her car rather excitedly about something. I asked them what the problem was, and it became clear that Molly was ultra-platinum level drunk. She had a tall bottle of hard liquor in her hand, reeked of rotten something, and summoned the dark lord Satan when she turned and spoke to me. Never mind! I’ll just go inside and pray for my family and neighborhood! Hopefully I’d been righteous enough the past year to warrant some serious overwatch from my guardian angels. I thought I had been pretty clear about the ‘no alcohol or drugs on my property’ rule. I didn’t think it would be a problem, as both of them had said it wouldn’t be. But being that Molly was already so dependant on alcohol unbeknownst to me, who was she to care about my rules? With her problematic car, she could sleep in front of anyone’s house in the entire state of Colorado!
The next day, the negative energy was really coming to a head when I saw them sitting in Molly’s car. She was crying, and Collin was highly agitated with teary eyes himself. Molly had just found out her father had passed away back east. Her family was wanting to fly her and even Collin home for the funeral, but supposedly Collin’s PTSD from the Army was so severe, he couldn’t take a seat on a plane, paid for or not. PTSD? What PTSD? Other than his fake seizures and strokes, Collin had been as calm and chill as a spring morning all covered in dew, from dawn to dusk his entire stay with us, but now he’s a severe PTSD sufferer too?
Collin came prancing into the house like a dramatic child who just had his feelings hurt by the neighbor kid, and working up the best fake cry he could to tell me about how messed up he was about it all. Uh oh Collin! Now Molly has bigger drama in her life than you! Think quick! Do something! Ope, time for another seizure! That’ll take the focus off of her even though her dad just died! After talking to me for two minutes, he walked back out to Molly’s car to talk with her for a minute. Then he turns back to come into the house and has another fake, and equally as fast “seizure” in the middle of my front yard. Except after this time, he’s talking like Forrest Gump X10 again. Wait Collin! I thought you only talked like that when you had a stroke?
Still trying to gather up all the sympathy and attention he can for himself with Molly being in shambles at just having been informed of her father’s passing (How dare she?!), Collin walks up to me and in his slower than slow voice tells me he thinks it’s time he finally goes to the emergency room. She obviously wants nothing to do with him for now, so it’s up to me to get him there. The hospital is five minutes away from my house without traffic; so even though I know he’s full of crap and part just to get him out of my hair for at least six hours, I took him. Amazingly, this guy had his wits about him enough to remember to grab his smart phone and charging chord on the way out the door, and only a minute after having a seizure! Could you believe it?!?! Neither did I.
I had to drop him off in order to go park a whole 30 yards away. When I came in, Collin was not in the waiting room, but rushed to the back because of his supposedly life-threatening predicament. I spoke with a man at the main desk who was seated next to a cop, and told them who I had just brought in, and asked if I could go back with him to make sure he was going to be okay. The man in a suit told me there was no one admitted by that exact name. He probably wasn’t supposed to tell me this, but a man that had just come in had registered under the same first name, but a different last name. He gave me a sticker to put on my shirt, and told me what room number Collin would be in. I realized that if Collin was comfortable lying about his name to either me, or the hospital, which he obviously had to at least one of us, that he would be comfortable lying to anyone about anything.
When I got to his room, he was somewhere else having tests done. 20 minutes later, he was back. I just didn’t have anything to say to him. Keeping in character, he told me I didn’t need to stay, so I gladly left and wondered what I was going to do with this compulsive liar and his sad girlfriend.
To be continued…